beautiful dreamer

You know what's weird? Last night I had a dream about eating a giant pillow, and when I woke up, I was COVERED in marshmallows.



bagels are like anti-depressants

Have you ever suddenly had a craving for a cheddar cheese bagel? I mean, a craving that comes upon you so holey-spirit-like that you rise up and shake off the doldrums stuck all over your shirt? A literal thirst for bagels that makes you cry, because bagel juice has not been invented, and only it's sweet tang could ever slake your desire? This is a long way of saying that today, I really wanted a bagel for lunch, so I put on some underwear, walked down the street, and bought one.



a twelve-year-old's tips for successful world domination

I came across my "Tips for Successful World Domination," written when I was twelve and addressed to me, which is very scary -- one, as a child, I thought it might be important to have a list of reminders for my eventual ascension as the ruler of a planet -- and two, I managed to forget that I once had schemes to enslave humanity. Also, check out tip number one -- I don't know if Oedipus is a harbinger, but I'm officially a little creeped out.

1. If you plan to mate great Danes and chihuahuas to create a race of super-chihuahuas, you can reuse the old great Danes. Every unquestioned ruler of the world needs glue.
2. Before threatening to kill all the world leaders at the UN summit, make sure you are wearing real dynamite and not hot dogs, like in your practice run at the White House.
3. Razor scooters are not as fiendishly dangerous as they sound.
4. Lasers have been around for years, and there is already a hole in the ozone.
5. A large purple dinosaur with the ability to control the minds of all the children in the world has already been done.
6. Trust nobody except your closest, most trusted right-hand-man.
7. Shoot famous secret agents on sight. Resist the temptation to set up elaborate and ironic death traps that kill slowly. Do not reveal your evil plans, even if you are sure they are dead. Do not shoot them in painful places, laughing evilly. Shoot to kill, or they will survive, escape, and come back to shove their crutches up your ass.
8. Somebody has already attempted to create a "super-cow."
9. They may be scary-looking, and very big, but gigantic cucumbers still cannot move.
10. Don't install a "clapper" in your war room if you want your generals to applaud your every word.
11. Disposing of dead bodies is a problem for any budding dictator. Creative and practical solutions: life-like department-store dummies, biodegradable scarecrow, or glue (always need more glue).



nobody recognizes a vampire from his picture on a milk carton

Well, it has been a virtual four-score since I last heard from Drake, my vampire roommate. Since his trip to visit the homeless who live underneath the New York subway system, I haven't received so much as a postcard written in the blood of his latest victim. I have been thinking of putting up "missing person" fliers, but I don't have any photographs of him. Let's just say that it is easier to steal the soul of an African tribesman than to catch a vampire on film. Plus, I doubt it would do any good, since Drake is in New York, and I can't throw a flier folded into a paper airplane that far.

I guess I'm just worried that one day the police will show up because of an anonymous tip from the neighbors, and they will find the amazing amounts of vampire porn Drake has hidden underneath his blood-stained coffin. They might mistake me for some wacko necrophiliac, or worse, a Smashing Pumpkins fan. One morning yonder, that could be me being led out in cuffs by the blue-boys, the fifties, the hogs. Madder than a pig stuck in a frozen mudhole, I would curse the day I met my vampire roommate, while they wrote down everything I said to be used against me in a court of law. Oedipus, our body-guard-dog, would be locked in a furious gun battle, raining bullets down on the squard cars from the upstairs window as policemen screamed for backup, because there must be, like, five more guys up there. Suddenly, we would hear a sharp crack from the roof of the apartment across the street, the initial sound echoing between the rows of houses, and the guns would fall silent. We all look up, and see the police sniper wearily climbing down from his perch. As the SWAT team stormed up the stairs, they would find no bodies, as they were expecting, only the bullet-riddled corpse of poor Oedipus, valiant friend-to-the-end. "It's only a puppy," one of the swatmen would say sadly, his heart broken because he thought he was fighting a hardened killer, and instead one so young died so needlessly.

All of this trouble, just so Drake could get his pecker some exercise. I'm going to burn those magazines right now.



how do you train a dog to shoot a gun?

Well, I painted a series of concentric rings on the inside of Oedipus' doggie bowl. It's a long way from Clint Eastwood shooting down a man sentenced to death by hanging, but since I've heard that animals kill almost exclusively for food (once in a while to impress hot dames), I figure that when we hit the range, Oedipus won't have any trouble summoning up his kibble-lust when he sees the targets. Adding the gun to the equation is going to be tricky though. Dogs solve most of their problems by biting. Or humpng.



opposable thumbs are not as important as we like to think

Considering our close encounter with the carjacked bank robber, and the gang of children who really-really wanted ice cream, I realize that there is no other option -- Oedipus is going to have to learn to use a gun. He may think it is a fun game to be a guard dog, but it is completely unfair to make him fight crime while naked. Batman's costume may leave frighteningly little to the imagination (picture George Clooney's womanly nipples), but at least he has a utility belt and a mask to hide his shame.

I think that Oedipus would appreciate a little kelvar doggie sweater and a six-shooter. And don't make some joke about needing opposable thumbs. Animals shoot people all the time.



a lot of people would pay to see ghostbusters iii

A breakthrough in training! Oedipus, the chihuahua-great-dane mix breed I have been training as a guard dog, foiled his first real burglary today! His exercise regimen consisted of my throwing bacon strips on small children who wandered away from their parents (they are a good starting size -- not too fast, and they won't fight back), but I was getting worried, because kids were beginning to avoid our street, and Oedipus still seemed to need a lot more practice.

However, today, we were at the bank depositing a ten dollar mail-in rebate that I got for buying fifty bags of "Dill Pickle" flavored Lays potato chips (what can I say? I am a sucker for things that have my second-grade nickname on them). Anywho, I am filling out my deposit slip, trying to decide how much cash back I should ask for, when a guy wearing a ski mask throws open the front door like he is walking into a saloon. He fires a gun in the air and uses his outside voice to tell us, "Nobody move! This is a stick-up!" and other bank-robbery cliches. We all had to give him our wallets, get face-down, and "taste the ground motherfuckers." This was not fun, and poor Oedipus was leashed to a bike rack outside, probably wondering whether I had dumped him for a declawed koala like I threatened because he was so bad at attacking preschoolers. The bank tellers dumped a bunch of money in a duffel bag the guy had, he fired a shot at the security guard's desk, just to show us he hated desks, and then he was out the door.

I know what you are thinking, but no Oedipus didn't take him out -- thank God. The dude was holding a gun for damn sakes! You don't make the jump from children to armed bank heisters in the time it took to build Rome. Actually, the man had left his car running outside for his get-away, but apparently somebody stole his car while he was robbing us! It was daylight, and the guy was wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. And a big sack of money. He was like a ninja dressed in black trying to sneak around a bakery. His only chance of a clean, flour-free getaway was if the cops saw him, but concluded, "Naw, it's too obvious, no bank robber would actually be walking around looking like a bank robber!" So what does he do? He tries to come back in the bank! But the security guard was pretty fast, and had pressed some secret button that automatically locked the front doors. We got to watch from behind bulletproof glass as the police came and arrested the guy. We even got our wallets back right there! No paperwork or anything! To top it off, the bank finished depositing my three dollars (I decided on seven bucks cash back) after the cops were done.

On the way home, we passed an ice cream truck, and I stopped to get Oedipus a treat for having to wait outside during the whole ordeal. A lot of kids had crowded around the truck, and one big bully kid was pushing the other children and trying to take their money. None of the kids were defending themselves, and it looked like the ice cream man didn't care, as long as the bully used all his ill-gotten gains on desserts. Oedipus knew that this was the moment he had trained for, so he didn't even hesitate when I told him, "Oedipus, clear out these kids." He went straight for the smallest one he could find, just like I taught him, and the other kids all ran away screaming. They were probably pretty thankful that we stopped that bully before he could steal more of their money, and we got our ice cream with no wait. I also bought an Ecto-Cooler, Ghostbusters-style, which I didn't know they still made.



the best art should be eaten

Today, I watched Oedipus lunge for a piece of pineapple that dropped on the floor. He acted as though it was a steak, and he was the canine-equivalent of a hungry cheetah. Dogs will put anything in their mouths that drops from their master's hands -- of course, maybe they are just worried about the five-second rule. They don't know shit about how bacteria work. They don't know about mitosis, or DNA, or that evil pigs are responsible for the Asian Bird Flu. They just get there as fast as they can while silently counting to five. But dude, pineapple. Even the hairless tropical jumping dogs of Western Fiji don't eat pineapple in the wild. Why, Oedipus, did you want it? You knew it was a pineapple -- with the wonder-schnozz that you have, you could work as a bomb-sniffer, drug-sniffer, panty-sniffer, whatever job ends in sniffer, you wouldn't even need a list of references. I don't know.

Anyway, the fact that Oedipus would put anything in his mouth reminded me that little children are the same way -- which is why Happy Meals should be marketed to another demographic. However, I got a really awesome idea out of all this. Check it: edible macaroni and glitter-glue pictures! I mean, macaroni is already there, right? And kids eat paste all the time, so I am told in cartoons. Besides, Elmer's is non-toxic and stuff, and it has a cow on it, which I assume implies it is practically a side of beef. The other, other white meat. Now that I think about it, Elmer's is pretty fucked up to put a cow on a glue bottle and then not to tell kids why.

Anyway, all I really need is edible glitter, and maybe paper, although I've heard that children eat that too! Then, you could have kindergarten art projects where five-year-olds make their abstract art (it's a dinosaur, can you tell?), boil them, and serve them with spaghetti sauce! Kids would learn many valuable lessons -- take two more big bites, clean up isn't always a chore, and that great art comes out of your ass is always inside you.



taking drugs to make music to take drugs to

Oh man, I haven't thought about Spacemen 3 in so long, but hey, you never know what will jog your memory.

Did you read the link yet? Can you believe this guy would go to such lengths to help his kid win? What happened to American-style knee-bashing? Or is that only for ice skaters who box and opponents of Daniel-San? You know what they say -- drugs are never the answer. Unless the question is, "what is not the answer?"