my roommate is a vampire, part one

A few months ago I saw a homeless guy who looked like Jesus putting change in expired parking meters so people who left their cars for too long wouldn't get ticketed. I was touched and my heart grew three sizes that day, which saved Christmas for all those Whos in Whoville, even though it was July. I felt that the world would be a better place if such a man were named president of the solar system, and he were given a never-ending cup of coins with which to right the wrongs of our society -- replacing the money a little boy lost to a broken vending machine, rescuing a check-out lady at the grocery store where a customer paid three dollars for an item that cost $2.03, filling an abandoned skyscraper with coins so that I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales, just like I have always dreamed. Not that it has to be money -- we all just dream of swimming through a larger-than-usual amount of SOMEthing. Isn't that why we all loved the ball pits at Chuck E. Cheese? Mud wrestling? A room full of balloons?

Anyway, long story short, he is now my roommate, and I think he is a vampire. I'll explain tomorrow.



drum building manual

I wrote a manual for building taiko. I hope to expand it in the near future, but it is relatively extensive as it is:


Next on the list for improving the manual is to include Stanford Taiko's method for skinning the drum, and to create a downloadable/printable version for folks.



i like words

Little green men's room mating season ticket to paradise lost boyz n tha hoodwinked knowing levi jean gray skies the limited release the hound of the baskervilles like teen spirited away from here today gone tomorrow, here today, gome tomorrow, here today gone tomorrow never dies.

Dies peacefully surrendered in three delightfully a warehouse arrest stop or i'll shoot to kill roy... kill roy...



more word play

Rise my son of satan tricks are for kids in the hall jordan river phoenix versus bullshit happens to us all knowing smile for the camera phone sex work for peanuts and cracker jack and jilted lover boy george foreman grilled steak through the heart of darkness falls short change for the better bee hive mind control tower records are meant to be broken dream of genie in a bottles of beer on the wallflower child likeness monster truck rally monkey stone superbowl game hen's egg head like a hole in my pocket change of clothesline in the sand dune buggy soft wearing thin crustacean pent up rage against the machinist an bulimic donald had a farm fresh fruit and veggie mite sting a little.


word play

Butterflight numbered days of the new kid rockabilly goat cheese pizza pie charted water balloon animal planet earth mover and shaker of salt of the earth mover and shaker of salt of the earth mover and shaker of salt of the earth.

Earth beings and rice patty caked lips parted curtain call me for a good timex girlfriend or faux furry fetishistic tactfully declined credit card carrying member when we fell in love me do be do be dew on the morning grass stained glass chin upside ways to make you talking picture framed for murder in the first place matte finish your plate joiner later that day glow in the dark horse drawn and quarter pound of flesh feast for ages gracefully accepted margin of errol flynn 'n' out house nigger please please meteoric rise, still I rise.



homemade bombs

If you want to make a bomb, all you need is fertilizer, lye, and a box of nails. Return the items to Home Depot and use the money to buy a ticket to Monster-In-Law, or any other movie starring J-Lo.



human-flavored tofu is not vegan

Yeah, so you may have heard of this product -- human-flesh flavored tofu. The creator claims that Hufu (HUman Flesh tofU -- aargh) tastes like people but isn't. Of course, he claims never to have tasted people when tweaking his simulated product, and I can just see him licking his arm, and mixing tofu in test tubes as he prepared his creation. Anyway, I wasn't about to go spending my hard-earned money when I could never (legally) verify it's claims. So I ate some that a friend bought. Then I went home and tried to make some myself. I experimented until I got something that tasted as close as possible to the commercial product.

I asked myself, what the fuck spice do you add to tofu to make it taste like people? You can go through paprika, thyme, you can even break out the cumin (an unfortunately named spice), but trust me, the answer is way more insidious. As it turns out, Hufu is flavored with the souls of newborn babies, stolen from their tiny hearts when the moon is full. Stick them in a blender and add the tears of children who have dropped their ice cream on the floor, dry the mixture out in a smokehouse where you've chained five puppies to the ground like veal, and you've got a spice with all the flavor and sin of human flesh, but none of the calories. The puppies, by the way, were already in the smokehouse when I broke in to store my bottle of souls and tears in a corner, so I'm not sure if they are important to the recipe. You need the souls and tears to make human flavored tofu, though. Nothing else in my spice drawer really worked for me. The trouble is, I am pretty sure that souls and tears are not vegan.

In summary, don't buy Hufu if you are vegan. They are baby-soul-stealers. If you are not vegan, steal some baby-souls and make your own for almost no cost (if you live next to a low-security smoke-house that smokes puppies while they are still alive).