what? more leprechaun business?

I was unaware that an autopsy can be performed without a body, but apparently they can. According to the police who came around investigating the mysterious disappearance of my leprechaun, that is what the chalk outline of the body is for.

Of course, you may be wondering how the police got involved in my whole leprechaun dilema. Well, after my leprechaun melted, I decided to report it to the police. I figured it couldn't hurt: there were no laws on the books about leprechaun murder, and there wasn't even a body! I told the investigator that his death was accidental, and besides, he was probably just a vampire.

However, the police have apparently dealt with vampire death before, and they said that the green jar of goo where my vampire used to be didn't add up since vampires usually go up like newspaper in a fire. Hence, the jar of goo was whisked away to some CSI lab down at the precinct, I suppose for DNA fingerprinting and regular fingerprinting and splatter analysis, or whatever you do when you are trying to use science to solve crimes.

I'm not really sure what they are looking for. I'm still pretty sure that I can't get in too much trouble if it was a leprechaun, and if it was a vampire, his death was probably a good thing. In most movies, people cheer vampire death. Then again, people cheer fart jokes.



on philly in the playoffs

I pulled this from a column on ESPN: this made me laugh out loud in the library, which was kind of embarrassing, especially when two strangers got up and looked over my shoulder to see what was so funny.

Writes Jim: "I think the elderly man who was sitting next to me in the 2002 NFC Championship game said it best, when he looked at me in my gorilla suit and said: 'Monkey, I have been rooting for this team since 1964, and they never win it all. WHY, MONKEY, WHY??'"



iPods are for Devil-worshippers

I've sold my little sister to the devil for an iPod, and after two weeks of near-constant work, I have finally loaded all my CDs onto its unholy harddrive.

If you can't find me tomorrow, it is because I have become one of those trendy black shadow things with white earphones you see in the commercials. You know what I'm talking about -- the soulless, two-dimensional wisps of humanity where a soul used to reside. Worst commercials ever.



no more little green man

Well, the leprechaun problem was resolved last night. I accidentally left the jar outside overnight and he melted under the rays of the first morning light. I suspect that I might have caught a vampire DISGUISED as a leprechaun, because leprechauns aren't supposed to melt so easily. Then again, vampires don't exactly melt. According to the movies, they kind of burn up into ash like ants under a magnifying glass. I have a jar full of green goo like the ooze that created the Ninja Turtles (and Splinter-sensei).

On the other hand, the Irish and vampires do have a lot of similarities -- pasty skin, people always trying to kill them, a fascination with potatoes doused in blood -- so I can see how I might have mistaken one for the other.


are leprechauns people?

I'm still holding out hope that my leprechaun is just hibernating for the winter grizzled-bear-style, but I am a bit worried about the legal ramifications of a leprechaun death. Can a leprechaun family sue for damages? If I suffocated my leprechaun -- this is completely hypothetical, of course, since my leprechaun is just Snow-Whiting the night away -- is it considered murder? I'm pretty sure you can only get the death penalty if you murder another person and you did it really meanly, and I wasn't being mean: I was only withholding airholes until I got my three wishes.

Anyway, motive doesn't even matter if the court rules that leprechauns aren't people, since then I can't be tried for murder and they'd have to get me on treason to put me to death. I am a little worried, since there are a few precedents that do not bode well for me. For example, the courts have ruled time and again that the Irish are actually people. They have also ruled midgets as people in a few cases. Soylent Green is people. If you have an opinion on my case, I could use the help. Hypothetically, I mean.



leprechaun biology

Do leprechauns need air to breathe? I've been keeping mine in a jar, and the lid is pretty tight. He's been sleeping for like four days, and he's starting to turn green (I mean, more green than he was). I've been telling my friends that he is just a heavy sleeper, but I think they are getting suspicious.