a hot dog p.s.a.

Philippe inspired me to make a list. Please don't try this at home.

You cannot cook a hot dog :

- By giving it cigarette burns.
- By leaving it in the tailpipe of your car.
- With a tanning booth.
- With a magnifying glass.
- By holding it in front of an angry dragon.
- By slingshotting it into the sun.
- With acidic Alien blood.

Please be aware. Better safe than sorry.



to sleep, perchance to dream?

Yo, I thought you'd like to know that I had a dream that the director of Princess and the Warrior was an Indian guy who was doing an interview to promote his movie, but the whole time he was really nervous because he hadn't shaved his shoulders in weeks.

I would assume shoulder stubble is the worst possible stubble after scrotal stubble.



my neighbors think i'm hell-bound, but it is not too late to turn it around

So, I mean, not MY neighbors, but my parent's neighbors who came over for Thanksgiving. They gave me three books as a kind of belated-graduation-slash-(dash?)-early-Christmas present. Titles? "Don't Waste Your Life" with a bonus DVD, "Your Work Matters to God," and of course, the "Your Work Matters to God Study Guide," because I'm not supposed to just read the book -- I am supposed to pore over the contents and do problem sets so I do well on the "Your Work Matters to God Final."

If I were depressed enough to need these books, would I have the energy to make it through the study guide?

On a vaguely related note, I watched Constantine last night. The movie was so terrible, I almost turned it off. However, there was one scene that made the entire movie worthwhile: the set-up is that Neo is depressed, has lung cancer, fights demons, is damned to hell, and has just killed himself. The devil is about to drag his ass away, when all of a sudden God's light shines all over the place and Neo starts floating up to heaven. With the devil there shouting, "No, he's mine," and angelic mood-music playing to make the audience believe this is An Important Scene, Neo gives Lucifer the finger. As he is floating up to heaven. With his body laid out like Christ on the cross.

In a movie that has not had a single moment of comic relief, the director chose to completely break the mood at the climax of the entire film. It was stunning. I know somebody who needs to read up on plot devices, or perhaps spend some time contemplating "Your Work Matters to God."

Wow. Thanksgiving is the best gravy-smothered holiday of the year. At least my family and I pigged like the parents in Spirited Away.



philippe knows about hot dogs

"The WORST way to cook a hot dog? Point a keychain laser at it. I wasted almost an hour!"



dose one can't rap

People act pretentious to pass shitty music off as cerebral.
People act pretentious to pass cerebral music off as shitty.



charlie chaplin was an ass



robot bikini

Is a "robot bikini" swimwear for a water-proof robot, or a digitally enhanced smart-bikini that affords the wearer untold levels of comfort? The important thing, of course, is that nobody be allowed to build one, because computers near breasts can only mean newspapers will come up with a way to include the words "silicon" and "silicone" in a single headline.



a classic gag to pull on a vampire

Man, I freaked my roommate out today. You know those arrow-through-the-head gags that everybody knows about, but nobody has ever seen in real life? Well I made a wooden-stake-through-the-head from a bit of 2x4 and a wire coat hanger. It was pretty good, and I had saved some of my hair from my last hair cut to cover the wire, so you couldn't even see how the stake was attached to my head.

Anyway, my roommate was just getting out of his coffin around sunset when I burst into his room shouting, "Vampire hunters! They've got me!" I then collapsed to the floor and chewed a ketchup packet I hid in my mouth so it looked like I had blood seeping out from internal injuries like Neo when he is plugged into the Matrix.

I know it is cliche, but he "screamed like a little girl," and -- swear to God -- peed in his coffin. When I suddenly "came back to life," he screamed again, and -- really, I wish I could say I was making this up -- he turned into a bunch of bats and flew out of his open window to safety.

He came back in about fifteen minutes, looking pretty sheepish, and I was laughing so hard that I think I gave myself a sports hernia. I felt kind of bad about giving him such a scare, so I helped him hose down his coffin outside. A little Pine-Sol, and his bed is burial-fresh.

The gross thing, though, is that vampire piss is red.



i need new light bulbs

Holy Jesus, I hate my stupid vampire roommate. If he weren't a member of the undead, I would wish a fate worse than death on him.

Story: So now that it gets dark so early, I haven't been able to tan regularly, which is pretty much the only thing I can do to piss my roommate off. He is so jealous about my ability to withstand the awesome power of the sun, and let me tell you, it is incredibly satisfying to watch a vampire seeth. In any case, if I lose my tan, I won't be able to annoy him as much, which is obviously unacceptable.

Anyway, my solution was to buy a few halogen lamps and cluster them over my bed, that way I could tan as I sleep. They may not work as quickly as real sunlight, and it is pretty hard to fall asleep with the lights on, but my awesome bronzed skin would be worth it. However, I tried it last night, and when I woke up, all the lamps were off, and the fuse had blown in my room, which meant I had overslept my electricity-deprived alarm clock, which meant I was late for work. It also turns out I can't return the halogen lamps since I used them and they are not in their original packaging.

So if anybody has any low-wattage halogen lightbulb solutions, that would be awesome.