remove the chain, 'cause that's off it

Do not feed your dog a whole can of those Altoids shaped like peeled tangerines, no matter how funny it is to watch him whine because they are so sour. He will only puke them up on your bed and totally disgust you by then eating his own puke and whining because it is so sour.



if someone offered you 10 40's, you'd say yes, right?

Filing taxes is like typing on a qwerty keyboard -- it doesn't make any sense, but everybody has to do it. Seriously, tax forms are infected-eye-scratchingly frustrating. Every box is a little riddle, wrapped in an enigma. I stare at my 1099-MISC form, and pray that I am supposed to fill out the conveniently-named Schedule C-EZ, and not Schedule SE -- but hey, direct all questions to Publication 533. Which is online. But the link is broken. Fuck you.

Death may be unavoidable, but you don't have to fill out paperwork to die.



...the milkman, the paperboy, and even mtv?

What ever happened to The Possibilities? I remember thinking they were on the edge of the verge of the cusp of awesome, held down only by their lead singer's cheese grater of a voice. Another thing, what ever happened to the Energy Beer? I loved those things for the few short months they existed. It was the only energy drink I ever tasted that wasn't saccharine sweet, plus it was a beer (did I mention?).

Speaking of beer, I had to go to traffic school this weekend for "driving in the bike lane." Please, if I wasn't supposed to hit bikers, then why do they wear little blinking lights so I can find them in the dark? In court, I told this to the judge (the cop who arrested me told me to), and I think he agreed -- he gave me a free jump suit, although it wasn't really my color. Sadly, it turned out I had to give it back once spring break was over. Spring break kind of sucked by the way -- it was kind of a sausage-fest, and I didn't get out as much as I would have liked.



thin mints are not as good as everyone says

Whew, I had to go to traffic school today, which is like regular school except people aren't impressed when you tell them you graduated. The best part was sitting next to an ice cream man who had converted his freezer-mobile into a giant soft-serve ice cream, hoping children would hail his vehicle as a god, like those kids who worshipped the giant Moon Pie in "Honey, I Shrunk a Bunch of Stuff." Unfortunately, he got arrested for making a car that looked like a coiled crap. Chocolate was pretty much the worst flavor he could have chosen.

Which reminds me -- you know how little girls sometimes dress like poops? I mean, parents have to lie and tell their kids that Santa made them "brownie" girl scouts because he ran out of green fabric (he isn't being mean, it is just that the elves wear a lot of XXL sizes, and what can he do? It would be hypocritical to put THEM on a diet), but I hope those kids ask themselves, "Who buys cookies from squeaky turds?"

Also, I think little girls sound a lot like mice.