human-flavored tofu is not vegan

Yeah, so you may have heard of this product -- human-flesh flavored tofu. The creator claims that Hufu (HUman Flesh tofU -- aargh) tastes like people but isn't. Of course, he claims never to have tasted people when tweaking his simulated product, and I can just see him licking his arm, and mixing tofu in test tubes as he prepared his creation. Anyway, I wasn't about to go spending my hard-earned money when I could never (legally) verify it's claims. So I ate some that a friend bought. Then I went home and tried to make some myself. I experimented until I got something that tasted as close as possible to the commercial product.

I asked myself, what the fuck spice do you add to tofu to make it taste like people? You can go through paprika, thyme, you can even break out the cumin (an unfortunately named spice), but trust me, the answer is way more insidious. As it turns out, Hufu is flavored with the souls of newborn babies, stolen from their tiny hearts when the moon is full. Stick them in a blender and add the tears of children who have dropped their ice cream on the floor, dry the mixture out in a smokehouse where you've chained five puppies to the ground like veal, and you've got a spice with all the flavor and sin of human flesh, but none of the calories. The puppies, by the way, were already in the smokehouse when I broke in to store my bottle of souls and tears in a corner, so I'm not sure if they are important to the recipe. You need the souls and tears to make human flavored tofu, though. Nothing else in my spice drawer really worked for me. The trouble is, I am pretty sure that souls and tears are not vegan.

In summary, don't buy Hufu if you are vegan. They are baby-soul-stealers. If you are not vegan, steal some baby-souls and make your own for almost no cost (if you live next to a low-security smoke-house that smokes puppies while they are still alive).



At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 10:44 PM, Blogger Nick said...

What about all the broken dreams of disappointed teenagers? Can I use that in the recipe or will that make it all-too-angsty?

At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice i think i might just do that mmmmm baby souls souds tasty(ewwww)


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