a twelve-year-old's tips for successful world domination

I came across my "Tips for Successful World Domination," written when I was twelve and addressed to me, which is very scary -- one, as a child, I thought it might be important to have a list of reminders for my eventual ascension as the ruler of a planet -- and two, I managed to forget that I once had schemes to enslave humanity. Also, check out tip number one -- I don't know if Oedipus is a harbinger, but I'm officially a little creeped out.

1. If you plan to mate great Danes and chihuahuas to create a race of super-chihuahuas, you can reuse the old great Danes. Every unquestioned ruler of the world needs glue.
2. Before threatening to kill all the world leaders at the UN summit, make sure you are wearing real dynamite and not hot dogs, like in your practice run at the White House.
3. Razor scooters are not as fiendishly dangerous as they sound.
4. Lasers have been around for years, and there is already a hole in the ozone.
5. A large purple dinosaur with the ability to control the minds of all the children in the world has already been done.
6. Trust nobody except your closest, most trusted right-hand-man.
7. Shoot famous secret agents on sight. Resist the temptation to set up elaborate and ironic death traps that kill slowly. Do not reveal your evil plans, even if you are sure they are dead. Do not shoot them in painful places, laughing evilly. Shoot to kill, or they will survive, escape, and come back to shove their crutches up your ass.
8. Somebody has already attempted to create a "super-cow."
9. They may be scary-looking, and very big, but gigantic cucumbers still cannot move.
10. Don't install a "clapper" in your war room if you want your generals to applaud your every word.
11. Disposing of dead bodies is a problem for any budding dictator. Creative and practical solutions: life-like department-store dummies, biodegradable scarecrow, or glue (always need more glue).



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