chuck norris would be jealous

Today, I was doing "donut runs" to prepare for the triathalon my friends pressured me into. Basically, I run around the block, then stop at the donut shop on the corner for a classic fat man's wedding ring. I repeat until I am tired, or full. I've never looked forward to exercising, but this is working out beautifully. You really feel the burn if you shout, "Bam, another notch!" every time you finish a donut.

Anyway, I was on like my fourth rep, when Oedipus-the-dog (my spotter) spotted a really suspicious old lady and took off to bite her ankles before she robbed us. She was wearing a do-rag (might have been a hair net), she had blinged out her teeth with this enamel colored platinum, and she was decked out head to toe in Fubu gear (or really saggy panty hose -- it was hard to tell). Well, this witch starts yelling at me to keep my "freak-dog" on a leash, and how she should kick my ass and stuff, so I was like, "OK homes -- let's throw down." You better believe old ladies can move. She just stopped talking, and assumed "praying mantis" stance, totally karate kid old-school-style, except with a walker. Like a fool, I walked right into it, and she kicked me square in the chin. Next thing I know, she is rolling all around me, taking shots at my kidneys, and every time I try to hit her, she dodges out of the way, only to come back with some counter-punches. I was really worried that I had somehow picked a fight with the only old white lady in the city who dressed like a gangsta but was secretly a retired ninja.

At that point, she got into this Jean Claude Van Damme kicking routine and I saw my opening. I grabbed a handful of dirt, much like Bloodsport, and blew that stuff in her eyes so she was temporarily blinded. I then kicked her walker away with a beautiful roundhouse that sent the thing flying into the street, and then finished it up with a 22-hit Ultra combo that I learned playing Killer Instinct. I let Oedipus get a few licks in too, since she called him a freak-dog.

It is clear that Oedipus will have to learn more effective techniques for attacking old ladies as part of his guard-dog training. I just don't feel safe knowing I have to attack them myself.



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