pass the ketchup, ouija?

When we first discovered Marley, the ghost in our linen closet, things got off to a rough start. He liked to roam the halls while rattling his chains at night, which was almost as annoying as a hamster on a squeaky wheel -- I mean, come on, we're not even scared of you, so why do you keep doing it? Stupid hamster.

Anyway, that wasn't all -- it turned out that Marley was a vegan, and a vegan that can only communicate in moans-of-the-damned is even worse than the regular kind that can only communicate in righteous indignation. It's a good thing I still have my travel Ouija board from the time I was an honorary Ghostbuster (the membership card was printed on a box of Ecto Cooler). We didn't have candles, but I let some crayons melt in a pan on the stove, and we put Daniel Johnston's "Spirit World Rising" on repeat. I held Oedipus' paw and we took the planchette in hand.

"Oh Marley," I said in a passable Miss Cleo accent, "What the hell can we do to shut you up?" Like magic, the planchette began drifting around the board -- I swear, if I had known we were spelling out a damn vegan recipe, I would never have spent that hour hunched on the kitchen floor, smoke filling the room from the burnt sienna on the stove:

AUNT NETTIE'S MEATLOAF

2 pieces whole grain bread
1/2 C. soymilk
1 T. tamari
2 C. texturized vegetable protein
2/3 C. fine chopped onion
1 t. salt
1/2 t. garlic powder
1/4 t. ground black pepper
1 pinch cayenne pepper

1. Preheat oven to 375 F. Break toasted bread into small pieces and put into a large mixing bowl. Pour soymilk over and toss with hands to thoroughly wet all bread.
2. Add remaining ingredients to soaked bread and mix with the hands to incorporate all ingredients completely.
3. Defile that-which-is-Holy.
4. Pack mixture into a lightly oiled 9-inch x 5-inch metal loaf pan. Cover pan with aluminum foil, shiny side down, and bake at 375 F. for 30 minutes. Remove foil, and bake another 12 minutes. Cool 5 to 10 minutes and cut into serving slices. Makes 4 to 6 servings.

I don't know if we'll follow the directions exactly, but if it gets us a full night's sleep, I'll try anything.

dls