6.12.2006

king solomon would have cut me in half

My car was at the mechanic's this morning, so instead of a regular rectangular Nutri-grain breakfast, I was able to stay home and whip up some awesome-tangular Donut McMuffins. I had the bacon singing that sweet hiss, and the eggs were crackling in the pan like a four-year-old playing with bubble wrap. Needless to say, I was not in the right state of mind when the Jehovah's Witnesses showed up at my front door. I was surprised they got there at all -- Oedipus should have waged terrible war upon their ankles. But, there they were, and I was so serene with the joy that is the Donut McMuffin on a Monday when I should be at work, I didn't even question how Oedipus got that pork chop he was happily gnawing.

So here are these two smiling women with their Watchtower magazines, and I am feeling so generous, that I INVITE THEM IN. Now, it isn't that I felt bad for all the hostility they endure as door-to-doorsmen, I just figured that every second they spent in my home was a second they were not bothering anybody else, and that sacrifice was What Jesus Would Do.

I cleared space for them at the kitchen table, which was overflowing with packets of instant margarita mix I won in a bet, and they each took a seat. I grinned at them, crossed my arms, and then asked a grandly ignorant question about their religion just to get them talking: "So, if I was dying in front of you, and ONLY YOUR BLOOD could save my life, would you give me a transfusion?" Man, I don't think I should have said that. I didn't really listen to their response, but it sounded like angry hens clucking, and if there is one thing I know, it is how to tell if a chicken is pissed off.

Of course, just when I was wondering if it was a mistake inviting these two in to kill time, I got another knock on the door. I excused myself to answer it, and diggity damn, would you believe it -- two strapping young men wearing short-sleeved collared shirts and holding helmets. Crew cuts. Metallic name tags clipped to their shirt pockets. One held a couple of books that looked Biblical, but weren't. That's right folks: Mormons at the front door. For the record, I am afraid of Mormons like George Bush is afraid of pretzals.

Just as I'm telling them, "Sorry guys, not today," the two Jay-Wits peek out of the kitchen, and I feel like I'm in one of those movies where the girlfriend shows up at 3am "just to talk," and my one-night-stand steps into view behind me, wearing only a towel. Holy crap. As soon as they saw the two men, they froze. I tried to diffuse the situation, explaining to the pissed-off Mormons, "Look, they came on to ME okay? This is NOT what it looks like." This was high-noon tension right on my doorstep, and it did not look pretty. I backed the fuck up, and even Oedipus knew to join me behind the couch. Bill and Ted Mormon were snarling as they snapped on their helmets and pulled out nunchucks from holsters strapped to their shins. One of the women pulled a Saturday night special out of her bra, and the other one unsheathed a gleaming broadsword -- I have no idea how she hid that under her frumpy dress.

I was about to watch a literal battle for my soul, and I was terrified. I always thought I'd meet my end at the hands of an overzealous US Marshall who chased me off a waterfall, but it looked like I might become a cult crossfire casualty. There was a moment right before the two groups charged: the four combatants slowed their breathing, and held themselves still as they measured each other, playing out their opening moves in their minds, like the scene right before Michael Caine laid the smack down on that rival butler in Remains of the Day.

And suddenly, the moment passed, and the Mormons rushed the door, one in front of the other. The Witnesses must have sensed that the door was a choke point, because just as quickly, the lady with the gun shot the first Mormon to step inside, while the one with the sword closed in to take him down before his friend could pull him out of the house. But surprise! The Mormons were rocking the Kevlar, and in the narrow entryway of my house, there was no room for the unwieldy broadsword the woman was brandishing. Her mistake was in letting herself be drawn into the same choke point she was trying to take advantage of. In moments, she was on the defensive, awkwardly parrying nunchuck strikes. With the way she was blocking the entrance, her friend couldn't even get a clean shot from the living room.

She was scratching the hell out of the walls of the entryway, and I was vowing to pledge my allegiance to the religion that got my full security deposit back despite all the collateral damage, when God called me on my cell phone. OK, so it was actually a guy asking if I was interested in switching to Capital One, but I was thinking quickly. The combatants had ignored the ringing, but they all stopped when they heard me say, "Oh, hi God." That threw the guy on the phone a bit -- he laughed uncomfortably before starting up his pitch again, but I just talked right over him: "No way God, you just called me to say that all religions should stop using your name as an excuse to kill each other? Wow, you say that if man could just learn to love his fellow man, we could focus our attention on more important problems like how to stop puppies from aging? Yeah God, I totally agree. I mean, it is so timely that you just called like that." I stopped to look meaningfully at the folks in my house, "Yeah, I hope we can all learn from this too. Uh-huh, take care. Bye." I hung up, and hoped that they hadn't heard the phone-off-the-hook dialtone at the end of the call.

The Mormons looked sheepish, and the Jehovah's Witnesses were positively ashamed -- which they should be. Pacifists my ass. Anyway, the woman with the gun was the first to act: she clicked the safety back on and stuffed her gun back down her bra. The Mormons folded up their nunchucks and put them down by the front door, and after her friend gave her a stern look, the William-Wallace-wannabe shrugged, and put her sword in the umbrella stand.

I was happy to have averted a religious war, so I invited them in to the kitchen for some Donut McMuffins, hoping that such a deliciously greasy snack might blunt their bloodlust. The one I had been cooking before was all burned by now, but I gave it to Oedipus, who happily gobbled it up, so I guess that in the end, everybody won.

dls

8 Comments:

At 11:54 AM, Anonymous Danny Haszard said...

I applaud your blog, former JW member speaks out.

The core dogma of the Watchtower organization is that Jesus had his second coming 'invisibly' in the year 1914.Their entire doctrinal superstructure is built on this falsehood.

Jehovah's Witnesses door to door recruitment is by their own admission an ineffective tactic. They have lost membership in all countries with major internet access because their false doctrines and harmful practices are exposed on the modern information superhighway.

There is good and valid reasons why there is such an outrage against the Watchtower for misleading millions of followers.Many have invested everything in the 'imminent' apocalyptic promises of the Jehovah's Witnesses and have died broken and beaten.
---
Respectfully, Danny Haszard www.dannyhaszard.com

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger dls said...

Whoa Danny, lets hold off on the Joe Vah bashing until AFTER they pay for the damn sword gouges in my walls.

dls

 
At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The following website summarizes over 200 similar court cases involving Jehovah's Witness Parents who refused life-saving blood transfusions for their children:

DIVORCE, BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS, AND OTHER LEGAL ISSUES AFFECTING CHILDREN OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

http://jwdivorces.bravehost.com/

 
At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Danny Haszard Cult now has a few followers.
Danny has adopted the universal cult-leader stance of presenting himself as both a victim, and a type of
savior showing the way to salvation. He is of course successful with only those who reject an honest
investigation and give themselves over to the control and teachings of someone who teaches hate.
These traits, of being a victim and a leader intensely interested in saving others, are of course at the very
essence of Cults and their delusional leaders.
Though offering a pretense of help, however, his offering lacks conciliatory and genuine assistance to
Jehovah's Witnesses, fellow "victims" for whom surely he must hold some kind of good intent.... But, no,
he sadly and pathetically just tries to create separation and anger, tries to divide families, tries to destroy
happiness, and teaches a withdrawing from and a rejection of the accepted freedoms of speech of our
society.
He suppresses the truth in favor of his own vitriolic hate. His efforts are reflective of a perception of
personal grandeur and a fixation on his own self-worth.
Also a trait of Cult leaders, Danny lacks the fortitude and purpose in life to accomplish good for himself
and others without needing the adulation of others he can dupe. Cult leaders need to build their own self
-esteem and to feed their own personal aggrandisement, and to strengthen their own wobbly beliefs by
grasping for the approval of followers. Anger is so often a front for fear and weakness. It is the weak
person, usually accompanied by weak reasoning, who turns from truth and uses anger and fear as a
motivator. Those similarly inclined or susceptible become followers of cult leaders like Danny Haszard.
He has actually made himself more of a slave to the Watchtower than he ever was as a member - he is
addicted to his fears and anger, addicted to attacking, delusional as to the success of his efforts to tear
down the faith of others, and uses hate as a tool to appeal to those similarly lacking in faith, or honesty, or
dignity, or self-worth, or personal esteem.
Remarkably his entire purpose in life in now linked to a preoccupation with the Watchtower.
This cultish behavior includes efforts to drawing off a following for himself....He has set himself up as an
authority figure who works hard to attract followers.
This is the new Danny Haszard Cult.

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger dls said...

I see there is a bit of an argument brewing over who has the bigger cracked pot. I reserve judgment until somebody gets the Mormons involved in this faux-scussion.

dls

 
At 9:56 AM, Anonymous Danny Haszard said...

NOTICE:SPAM COMMENT by 'JAMES' posted as anonymous IS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES STALKER

Who's Danny Haszard?

Stalking Jehovah's Witnesses trolls just eaten up with jealousy over Danny Haszard
Troll flamebaiters--Your notions though many are not worth a penny When it gets down to facts, the apologist does not respond back, everything about the Jehovah's Witnesses troll is deception because you are a supremacist cult who feel no need to be truthful with unbelievers who are all,"gonna die at armageddon anyway".

This is the Jehovah's Witnesses troll IP address
james
(c-67-176-38-74.hsd1.co.comcast.net)
James
Aurora, CO

 
At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OVER 450 JEHOVAH'S WITNESS LAWSUITS, COURT CASES, ETC SUMMARIZED


This website summarizes 300 United States court cases and lawsuits affecting children of Jehovah's Witnesses, including dozens of cases where the Parents refused to consent to life-saving blood transfusions:

DIVORCE, BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS, AND OTHER LEGAL ISSUES AFFECTING CHILDREN OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

http://jwdivorces.bravehost.com/



This website summarizes 160 United States court cases and lawsuits filed by Jehovah's Witnesses against Employers:

EMPLOYMENT ISSUES UNIQUE TO JEHOVAH'S WITNESS EMPLOYEES

http://jwemployees.bravehost.com

 
At 4:11 AM, Anonymous Truth teller said...

What's the situation with Jehovah's Witnesses child abuse?

Not good. They (Jehovah's Witnesses) take Deuteronomy 19:15 literally, which demands two witnesses to a crime (not easy in cases of abuse). And they cite 1 Corinthians 6:1-11 – "Does anyone of you that has a case against the other dare to go to court before unrighteous men, and not before the holy ones?" – to justify trying to deal with criminals with courts of elders rather than courts of law.

A Panorama (British) investigation reported they have an internal list of 23,720 reported abusers which they keep private.

Studies in the US suggest they (Jehovah's Witnesses) have proportionally FOUR times more sexual assaults on children than the Catholic Church.

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/features/article3133271.ece
from here

(What is disturbing is that these predators are required to go door to door in the Jehovah's Witnesses faith,this is a safety issue of concern.)

 

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