6.21.2006

a lot can go wrong in a bakery

You know that cheap sitcom trick where two people are having a conversation, and a third sap sneaks in to hear only part of it, so they totally misinterpret what was being talked about, ensuring hijinks for the rest of the episode? Believe it or not, Mr. Ripley, but this actually happened to me today.

I was taking Oedipus for a poop-in-the-neighbor's-yard morning stroll, and I had just stepped into my favorite bakery (Challah At Me Dog) for a cheddar cheese bagel. It must have been a slow morning, because there was just one guy in line, dressed in a leather jacket like he was so cool, he could wear a fucking leather jacket in June. As I stepped in the store, he pulled a pretty hefty looking gun out from the front of his pants, pointed it at the cowering cashier, pointed it at the ceiling, and then fired a shot. I figured a roof must have killed his dad or something -- such aggression. But then he shouted, "Do it NOW!" and the cashier immediately started whimpering and reluctantly removing his clothing.

I stayed freeze-tag-still while he untied his apron and took off his shirt, but when he unbuckled his belt, I figured I should make a move before the kielbasa came out to play. Now maybe a lesser man might have backed slowly out of the store and left the cashier to his leather-buddy fate, but I am a man of action, so I walked to the front of the store and demanded to see the manager.

OK, no I didn't. That would have been crazy. Actually, I backed out of the store and without another thought to the half-naked cashier's predicament, untied Oedipus from the bike-rack and walked home. I feel a little bit guilty about it, but I tell myself that just before I came in, I missed the part of the conversation where the jacket-and-gun-guy tells the cashier, "Our mom is dead, killed in her sleep by the Jewish bakery you work in. I'll shoot it to keep it stunned, while you take off that evil bagel uniform, and then we'll make a break for Mexico. On my signal..."

dls

2 Comments:

At 1:43 PM, Anonymous Ran Kailie said...

You know thats beyond cowardly, you didn't have to do anything, but at least you could have called 911 and gotten a cop to help the cashier.

People like you are the reason there are so many problems in this world, complete lack of compassion for anyone else other then your own skin.

I hope someone robs you and demands you undress and no one bothers to lend you any aid.

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger dls said...

Haha Ran, the joke is on you -- I'm already naked under my clothes!

dls

 

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