mailing myself in a box

Do you know that Velvet Underground song that is uncomfortably long, and it is a whole story about this guy who hasn't seen his girl in so long because he can't afford a plane ticket, so he gets the bright idea to mail himself in a giant box to her door, and meanwhile the girl turns out to be a bitch who doesn't care about him and the whole time there is weird shit being played on the guitar while the narrator drones on, and finally the girl and her friend get the box with the dude inside, but they try to open the box with giant shears and kill the guy in the box? That is proof that long distance relationships are a bad idea, because they result in stabbed-in-brain death.

Anyway, I was wondering if anybody has ever thought of actually mailing themselves in a box. Not necessarily to save money, but more just to see if it would work. Could someone construct a space that would have air, food, water, and waste storage, be comfortable enough to spend a day or two in, and would be sturdy enough to make the journey with a person inside? I feel like it can't be totally impossible -- if you can order a giant couch online and have it delivered, surely a person could fit in a giant couch space and likewise be delivered. I think it would make an excellent mechanical engineering competition: get a bunch of college engineering students to build the best possible box for sending themselves through the mail. The one who gets the furthest while remaining alive wins! It would suck if your package was lost in transit though.



At 11:24 PM, Anonymous Cheryl Tomblin said...

Hmm...I've heard of Velvet Underground, but I don't know what song you're talking about. However, I did see a movie called Velvet Goldmine, about the UK glam-rock scene in the 60s/70s. Quite an amazing movie, I will say. No one is shipped off in a box via courier service, not to my recollection. But you should see the movie anyway.
I think I would ship myself somewhere, just to see what would happen. I would think it would be kind of lonely though...being in the back of the UPS/FedEx/DHL truck and the only animate object. However wouldn't it be funny if someone else was being shipped too?
I can imagine the conversation.
"Did your box just sigh?"
"Hey, you're a woman in a box!"
"Indeed I am! How about that?"

::sigh:: the conversation would be quite engaging, I think.

I say that the inside should be insulated with that special mattress that molds to a person's body (you've seen the commercial: the couples in their night gowns and cotton pajamas, sleeping on only the mattress without sheets, pillows, or blankets; as all normal people do) with special leak guard protection that actually pulls the moisture away from you.

Have you ever read anything by Russell Edson? I suggest "The Tormented Mirror." You might enjoy it.


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